only outside this room
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Kaoru doesn't want Hikaru to find out his deepest secret… (note: Kaoru and Hikaru pairing)


**fandom - Ouran Koukou Host Club**  
 **title - only outside this room...**  
 **pairing - Kaoru x Hikaru, Kyouya + Tamaki, Takashi + Hunny**  
 **rating - pg-13**  
 **description - Kaoru doesn't want Hikaru to find out his deepest secret… (note: Kaoru and Hikaru pairing)**

 **Disclaimer – Ouran Koukou Host Club isn't mine.**

 _Ting, tong tong…  
Ting ting…_

 _Ting._

 _I wondered_  
 _when that soft_  
 _melody of_

 _Our music box_  
 _would finally_

 _stop._

 _Though, I prayed and prayed_  
 _for it_

 _to last forever._

 **only outside of this room…  
By miyamoto yui**

Briefly, I looked out the window to see the red and brown leaves floating to the ground, colorfully covering the street-

"Hey, Hikaru~! No touching!" our Lord shouted as he tried to keep Hikaru and Haruhi apart.  
"Che. But she's teaching us how to cook and it's her house," Hikaru answered as he looked up, still holding up the knife about to cut the napa cabbage in front of him.

Okay, so we were crowded in the 'kitchen' which was smaller than our bathroom at home, but since our Lord wanted to learn how to cook commoner food, then I was going to do as he asked. So, here we were pushing each other a little in this cramped place.  
Only Hunny-sempai had a good view because Mori-sempai held him up with his hands. Since the roof was low, he couldn't put him on his shoulders as usual.  
Kyouya-sempai just pushed up his glasses, stepping to one side. Even he sighed, but when I caught a glimpse of his face, it seemed as if it wasn't for the obvious reason.

Maybe I am just imagining things…

So, yes, there I was right in back of all of them, patiently waiting for an opportunity to give a good comment when things got interesting, but as Haruhi pushed lightly on Hikaru's wrist,

it wasn't the Lord who interceded.

It was my hand reaching out for his shoulder. Before I knew it, Hikaru hadn't put the knife down properly and sliced his index finger.  
I took a step back as I blinked my eyes in shock for what I'd done.

Usually, I would have already shouted and ran up to him, but it was Haruhi who called the ambulance. I will not go into details about what else happened, but everyone went home after they'd found out Hikaru was all right.

He and I went home after his index finger was sewn up. All through the car ride, I was silent. Looking out the window, I held his left hand, rubbing my thumb softly on his fingers, unable to say sorry.  
I knew he would have said something as soon as I turned around, so I didn't turn at all. I kept on rubbing my nose and looking listlessly out the window, wondering what I should have said or done.

Sorry I got jealous-  
Jealous. Jealous? I was jealous?!

Ridiculous. Surely, it was to make us grow whenever we went on our group outings. That was all it was.  
But once you opened yourself to the world, you couldn't close yourself to it ever again. No matter how much you tried, you already tasted it and couldn't go back to the way you used to be.

We could no longer keep this world between 'us and them'.

Thank goodness I didn't have to explain anything to our parents. They were out on a business trip together. I would be scolded later. That was much better than now.  
I could have been run over by a car right now and I wouldn't have noticed because I felt so guilty every time I looked at his finger.

When we arrived home, I lightly let go of his hand and got out of the car without a word. I didn't even bother to go eat dinner and so I washed up to go to bed. Before going to bed, I went to the roof to look up at the stars. I'd brought up a little music box that was given to me a long time ago. I placed it on a corner table. I turned the little lever at the side and it began to play.

It was a gift that he'd given to me a long time ago.  
Although he picked it because it was a song he liked, he chose to give it to me for our birthday. He bought it with his allowance when he went shopping with Mom.  
This small box was nothing special. It was a wooden box that he decorated with silk, crisscross patterns in navy blue, black and gold. And inside was a small orange kitten that smiled up at you.

I played it so many times but I made sure that it was always tuned.

The song stopped.

I sighed as I watched the stars. I wondered how many times I had done this to get away from everyone and everything?  
But now, it was even Hikaru that I was trying to runaway from.

It was strange. All your life, you were used to being with one person and then you feared breaking them one day. Only, you find out that you must in order for both of you to grow.  
But I was lucky. So far, I was with one person all my life when many people really did start out 'alone'.

I leaned out the railing and put my chin on top of my crossed arms. Humming a little, I softly sang to myself.

Then, I felt someone slide their hands onto my waist, interlocking their fingers on top of my stomach. I stood up. "Hikaru…"  
Silently, his chin rested on my shoulder and he pressed his cheek against mine. I frowned at the bandage over his index finger.

To hurt my most precious one made my heart collapse even more within itself.

"Why are you moping up here?" Then, Hikaru laughed. "Ah, but you think it's your fault I got this, don't you?"  
I lifted up my head and looked up to watch the city lights. I didn't say anything. What _could_ I have said?

Stating the obvious was not as easy as it seemed, especially when it involved a truth that would upset the delicate balance you'd tried to keep up with all your strength.  
Yes, even at the price of breaking your own heart, you mustn't go over that line…

Then, he held me closer with his right hand and lifted up my chin with his left one. I felt the bandage against my skin as I looked at him, trying not to satisfy him with the expression that he wanted or anticipated to see.  
Closing his eyes, he opened his mouth and I waited with my heart pounding so much. I knew he could feel it, making my whole body shiver.  
With urgency, he closed his mouth again and held me closer and pinched my chin a little more as if to say, "I am going to only say this once, so you better listen. NOW. It has to be NOW!"

He breathed into my ear. "Aren't you tired of this game yet, Kaoru?"

But the difference, I always knew…  
…was that you were always more honest than me.

He shouted at me, "Won't you just tell me you're jealous?!"  
His fingers began to tremble.

This was the first time I didn't know if it was out of nervousness at what he'd said or if he was truly mad at me. This was a cue I couldn't read.

But because I always learned things just a little faster than you…

I crunched my shoulders and leaned my head forward to kiss the white bandage. "Of course I was jealous. Our little world has expanded, Hikaru."  
He didn't stop shaking though.

He was not satisfied with this answer. He wanted something more.

Don't…  
Don't find out my deepest, darkest secret…

That's why I cherished my days in the club. I wouldn't be able to do these kinds of things with you ever again. Not in this superficially rule-filled world where our close bond is speculated for psychological treatment and instant damnation...

I turned around and held his hands with my thumbs gently touching the top. I looked at him and he opened his eyes to find me staring straight at him. His eyes were a bit shocked as he saw me crying a little as I smiled.

After all, hiding behind facades was what we did best.

"Why are you still upset, Hikaru?" I asked. "I told you the truth didn't I-"  
At that moment, he let go of me.

He crossed that line.

He held my cheek and the back of my neck in order to pull me to kiss him. I tried my best to pull away, but he trapped me as his leg blocked the middle of both of mine.  
My back leaned onto the railing and the hand on my neck slipped to take the pressure behind me, pressing into the railing more and more. But the hand on my cheek now pulled on my chin.

Yearning. Waiting. Trembling. Bursting emotion. Killing our only balance so easily, with, by, and for this stupid bond called 'love'.

Then, he pulled away from me. "Don't fuck with me! And don't apologize to me!"  
He stepped back and looked to the ground. "I could say this was all a game, like it always is. But not this time."

His eyes shot back up and straight like an arrow into mine. His hands became fists. "From the moment I took up that knife to help her, it was all planned out so you don't have to say sorry to me~!"

As always, mad at himself, he began to cry and ran away from me.

"Hikaru~! HIKARU!" I shouted as I loudly ran down the stairs.

I felt like my life was fading before me. Everything…  
The moment he turned his back on me was the instant I truly realized that he was everything to me. And no matter what happened, no matter how scared I was of the future, I couldn't live without him.

Would the glass ceiling break the more I pushed on it, I'd always wondered.  
But when did he start pounding from the outside?

When had we made a vein between ourselves that we became different rivers? The space widened over time. Tell me when did I put this glass wall between us, Hikaru?

I wish I had broken it earlier.

With my heart almost bursting and I grew a little dizzy, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him into our bedroom. I pushed him onto the bed and pressed both of his wrists down on the comforter.  
I looked into the face that, without a mirror, reflected mine back. Sarcastically, I spat out, "Is this what you want, Onii-chan?!"  
My tears dripped one by one onto his face. I couldn't even breathe because I wanted to kill myself and not hurt him in the process.

But that was impossible.

"Don't think I haven't thought of this before. And now that you've put it in my face, what are we supposed to do?! TELL ME!" I shook him and he continued to look up at me blankly. His expression didn't change. "You're always like this. You act before you think because in the end, all is the result of what's been calculated. That's how it is in your mind. While in mind, you always think I'm crazy 'cause I like to analyze literature, always reasoning everything out in my head, even if it is illogical. Like feelings, the future…argh, why aren't you saying anything?!"

"Because I am that simple-minded, I can't think of anyone else's feelings but yours."

He then lifted up his head and licked my lips. I tried to pull away, but he caught my hands and continued to kiss me, down my neck.  
Sensitive to his touch, I winced as he started to put his hand up my shirt-

"Hikaru~!" I shouted and woke up abruptly, staring up at the blue ceiling.

I turned my head towards Hikaru's direction, and he brushed his hand on my cheek. "Are you okay? I didn't know if I should have woken you up, but you kept on calling my name."  
I blushed, hoping he couldn't see at all through the darkness.

"Yeah," I said, not wanting to discuss the dream at all.

Sideways, the rain outside began to pour more and more against the window. And my eyes went back to stare at Hikaru.

His teeth smiled at me as if he knew.

My deepest, darkest secret…  
Even something he shouldn't have known…

I had forgotten: He was holding onto my cheek.

Normally, I would have peacefully held him close until the morning came to take him slowly away from me. But today, he rolled over and was on top of me. His knees touched my hips. "Put your arms up."  
Without a word, he took off my shirt and wiped the sweat off.

Embarrassed, I turned my head away.

Please, don't find out! Please, Hikaru!  
These useless feelings shouldn't ever become materialized…

Though I faced this in my dreams, I didn't want to ever deal with them while I was 'awake'.

"Kaoru, this is normal. You know guys go through this kind of thing-" he began to laugh as he looked down at me, teasing me beyond the usual.  
"But didn't you say I called out your name?"

Guiltily, I gulped as I felt my heart stop.  
This wasn't happening…

"Yes," he answered as he leaned forward. "You should call out the name of the one you love when doing that kind of thing, even in your dreams-"  
I was both disturbed and turned on by his seductiveness. "Hikaru?"  
"It's only wrong outside of this room. But not here," he pulled my hand under his shirt to feel his heart.

"Even though Haruhi is our friend, she shouldn't have a place near mine," he said possessively and harshly.

As my heart pounded against my ribcage, I grabbed his face to kiss him, fearing what the future was from here.

They say that once you love someone that much, you will be able to find happiness. It is also said that when everything is done, you still have to go on 'living' afterwards. But since we don't fit anything of 'the usual', I don't know what to think, even with how much we strategize.

But as he held onto me with both of his arms, I kept on calling out his name over and over as if to find him through all the chaos inside of my head and heart.

I had gotten through the glass ceiling and he had broken through, but with crimson hands, what was to become of us? And yet, I would not give up.

Even if it meant to lose everything else, that would be all right. The cost was high: name, social status, parents, money, and contempt.

But, surely, we would find a way to find that word called 'happiness'.

 **++/++/++/++**

Years later, in a small house near the mountains, in the middle of nowhere, the leaves were changing again like that time.

Hikaru grabbed me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. He looked over at the manuscript I had written and smiled.  
With a blank face, he pouted. He pointed at a paragraph. "You didn't put enough details here about how you were so flushed in the face that you-"  
"HIKARU!" I scolded in embarrassment. "It's not an autobiography."  
"But all your inspiration is from me and I'm just giving you feedback."  
"Che." I laughed while touching the manuscript of my new novel.

Then, I looked around our warm, yet little home.

In the eyes of the world, we'd lost everything. But in this house where there was hardly anything compared to what we had before, we had everything.

"AH! I don't want to hear that!" Tamaki exclaimed as he covered Haruhi's ears. "My daughter's ears!"  
Haruhi whacked him on the backside of his head.

Hunny sneezed as he slept in Takashi's lap. They were watching the lake from the balcony.

Kyouya coughed as he flipped a page to continue reading his morning paper. "Even in the middle of nowhere, there is no peace."

Tamaki jumped over the couch and sat on Kyouya's lap. Like a cat, he rubbed his cheek against his shoulder. "Kyouya~, I was only saying that our sons shouldn't say these kinds of things early in the morning."  
"So it's okay if you do these kinds of things in the morning, hmm?" Kyouya looked at him from bottom to top. He took a deep breath. "You're trying my patience again."

"But Kyouya~" Tamaki made a little imaginary circle over Kyouya's cardigan pajama top.  
Kyouya cleared his throat. "I will get you that kotatsu you want later, okay?"

Hikaru and I looked at each other. "When did he start giving in to our Lord?"  
We smiled at each other and shook our heads.

He held me and continued to read my manuscript over my shoulder. I took up his hand and kissed the stitches on his finger.

Even if you appeared to be crazy and were pariahs to the rest of the world, that was all right. The only thing that truly matters is that you aren't alone in being that way.

And so, our world is happy enough for all seven of us. ^_~v

 **Owari.**

Author's note: Okay, I admit it. I love their family set-up.  
And though this was angsty, I really wanted a happy ending. XD I just came back from Fujiwara Takumi and Takahashi Ryousuke-land, er, Gunma so I'm in a good mood.

I always giggle madly whenever I read Kyouya saying, "Even in the middle of nowhere, there is no peace."  
Niko, hope you like the fic. XD I know you love these boys so that's why I chose to do a fic with them...XD

Love,  
Yui

10/2/2006 7:26:58 AM / LA  
10/3/06 11:26 PM / Tokyo


End file.
